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I want candy

My life since graduate school: I am a child in a candy store, the one who is told she cannot eat anything until she's finished her chores.

I have a job, but beyond that, few responsibilities. I am single and childless. I don't belong to any organizations (anymore, used to be a thing with me). I have a few family obligations, but nothing that taxes on a daily basis. My family (including my GF) gives me lots of space. Even in my job, I am left pretty much alone as long as I get the work done. Sure, sometimes that work is demanding.

But it is safe to say, that for the most part, I do what I want when I want.

Which means there is a candy store of experiences waiting for me to just try them. What's the candy? Sometimes, it's a wonderful television program. Sometimes, it's a fascinating place to visit. Sometimes, it's feathering this little nest I've built for myself. Sometimes, an interesting friend. Sometimes, it's literally a piece of candy.

But I'm not allowed these things until my chores are finished. So of course, I sneak off and I eat the candy, and then berate myself. No candy until your chores are done.

And what are my chores?

Writing. That's my chores. "The great American novel." That should be one of the pieces of candy, the most delicious, enticing candy in the store. Instead, it's the thing that the mom-voice in my head is telling me to finish before I can taste one little delicious piece of life.

So of course I'm always rebelling by watching TV, working on some personal project, or eating. And then berating myself, bitterly. In an endless cycle.

Self-beratement doesn't work. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. All it does is turn the best thing in my life into a cudgel I use to bludgeon myself with.


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 9th, 2013 08:06 pm (UTC)
It could be worse. You could have no writing. You could be a gentleman of a certain age with no actual record of product, with no prospect of ever producing anything of memorable work.

Aside from really rocking at passing the time.
Sep. 9th, 2013 08:13 pm (UTC)
I am working on being a woman of a certain age who has actually done something. I just have really high standards, so of course, compared to that, what I have so far looks bleak.

This is of course, BS, which I am trying to convince myself of.
Sep. 10th, 2013 12:02 am (UTC)
I would tell your inner voice that the more interesting experiences you have the better your novel will be. You never know how something new will spark and react in your brain.
Sep. 10th, 2013 12:09 am (UTC)
I don't think my brain thinks food and tv shows are good input for good output.
Sep. 10th, 2013 05:14 am (UTC)
Self-beratement doesn't work.

It surely doesn't. Took me up until just a year or so ago to start to figure that out. It's not easy to let go of, either. But I'm working on it, and I find I have to work far less hard at it now.

One of the very (very) few benefits of getting old is that it becomes increasingly easier to Just Not Care.

(See, before I would have cared about that!)

Sep. 10th, 2013 04:03 pm (UTC)
Well, in this case we're talking about my Dream, so I care, very deeply, but whipping myself isn't going to get me any closer. Tried that. For years.
Sep. 11th, 2013 06:30 am (UTC)
Just to clarify, I wasn't referring to "The Dream" when I spoke of not caring-- I meant that I stopped caring about being obsessive, which simply led to me being always unhappy that I wasn't good enough. Good enough as defined by whom? Society, of course. That's the aspect I no longer care about.

My apologies if my intent was misinterpreted.
Sep. 11th, 2013 08:15 pm (UTC)
No worries. Although I think I'm obsessing over being good enough by my own standards, which are a little harder to escape.

; )
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 10th, 2013 11:14 pm (UTC)
I have to make it okay not to start. Obviously, I want to be writing, but when I start putting pressure on myself, that can backfire. This is my passion, so it's gonna happen, I just need to relax and let it and stop panicking that if I'm not writing then That's Bad.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )