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A study in sentences

Alie tucked in her chin and busied herself taking in the wall.

Alie tucked in her chin and turned her attention back to the wall.

Alie tucked in her chin and let her eyes roam the wall.

Alie tucked in her chin and forced her eyes to scan the wall.

Alie tucked in her chin and busied herself taking in the heavily tagged stone wall.

Alie tucked in her chin and turned her attention back to the heavily tagged stone wall.

Alie tucked in her chin and turned her gaze back to the heavily tagged stone wall.



I only counted one of these sentences towards my daily total since they ALL SUCK.


7537 / 15000 words. 50% done!

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
masqthephlsphr
Apr. 13th, 2013 03:19 pm (UTC)
With the second draft, I want the words to read a bit better. I wrote the first sentence, and just went "bleh" to my overly-formal writing style. I think I've decided to rewrite the entire scene in first person and get it written in her voice, before changing that back to third person. It's a technique that's worked for me in the past.
mamculuna
Apr. 13th, 2013 01:49 pm (UTC)
Very frustrating, but I so admire you for writing.I suspect it will turn out well.

I know you're a revise-as-you-go kind of writer, and that must make it doubly hard.

I'd go with "looked at the wall again" or "studied the wall again"--I'm a fan of simple words, though.
masqthephlsphr
Apr. 13th, 2013 03:22 pm (UTC)
Well, this is the second draft. I want to do better. This was me trying to make the first version sentence sound better. In this situation, someone just told her something she didn't want to hear, and she's trying to distract herself. So these sentences are a bit out of
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )